this mom guilt thing.

May 1, 2013

You know me, I'm usually all fluff on this blog but then there's days like today where I just need to talk. And I need to talk about Mom guilt. It is freaking REAL.

This "mom guilt" business is made especially worse when you're already the type of person that feels guilty so easily and when you always feels the need to explain. I am that person. I hate that person.

Now that I have V, I feel like every little mistake I make (and there are plenty) is completely ruining her and her life already. I know that's ridiculous but in that moment, it doesn't seem silly.

Being a working mom just adds to this guilt that I feel all the time. My MIL watches her Monday-Thursday all day and some days it feels like she is the one practically raising our child! How could I not feel guilty? I know this is just where our life is at for the moment (me working, Ronnie in school) but that doesn't make it suck any less. I don't have a job digging ditches or teaching a class full of wild kids but I work hard ALL DAY at what I do and by the end of the day, I am beat. And that's just when my day really begins! It's when I go home and am expected to be super awesome fun mom.

At least that's the expectation I've put on myself - it doesn't always happen that way.

Sometimes I get impatient, I whine, I just want a FREAKINGSECONDTOMYSELF, I cry, I raise my voice - all things I said I would never do as a mom. But I am freaking tired!!!! is usually my excuse when I've screwed up yet again, as if that makes it ok. It's not ok.

Yes, things have changed tremendously since she started crawling and then walking and just in general become a wild little maniac. She's no longer a little baby in my arms or rolling around on her play mat. Things have become just so much more and I am tired but that still doesn't make it ok. She's only this small for such a short time and I already feel like it's flown by so quickly.

To make things worse, I leave on a work trip next week from Monday-Friday. FIVE DAYS away from my child. FIVE DAYS where it's all on Ronnie (and his mom will help too, of course). FIVE DAYS where I don't have to take care of her and I get to sleep. I should at least be excited about that part but I feel nothing but guilt. This is my job and we so desperately need the money I earn on this trip but honestly? I could just curl up and sob about it.

All of that to say, I need to learn to just suck it up and be BETTER.

I need to breathe more, I need to focus less on myself and my exhaustion and more on her and the moment we're in, I need to remember that I'm not a fuck up as a mom (sorry, the F bomb was necessary), that I am giving it my best, that I work every day for US and I especially need to remember just how special this mother - daughter relationship is. I need to remember these things every day.  I am the only mother she will ever have and I need to just be BETTER.

Fellow guilt-ridden moms - how do you deal??


Essie Rae iHeartPrettyPolish said...

You aren't alone at all. I and most other women in the world feel exactly the same. I feel guilty every day...but you have to remember that you can't be a good mom unless you are happy yourself. And if you have guilt or shame, then you aren't happy...thus, probably short-tempered and impatient. You have to give yourself a break. Realize that spending a little alone-time isn't going to hurt your child. And as far as leaving for 5 days, that will go fast and once you are home, she won't even remember you are gone. Children live in the moment. heck, children that get abused still love their parents (which is very sad). Have you seen this mommy blog? She has so many honest mommy moments to talk about that make you feel like you aren't alone. check it out:)

Also, I have been reading Brene Brown's books... The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly. They help you understand your feelings and that helps tremendously. Take care:)

Rhonda said...

OH man. I'm the worst about mommy guilt. I am so so so awful about 40% of the time, which is just too much. I cry sometimes, I yell a LOT, and I hide in the bathroom while the baby does god-knows-what in the kitchen.

Amanda M. said...

Oh girl, mom guilt is the WORST. No matter what you do or don't do, you always second guess yourself and worry that you're not doing things "right"... I feel you there. Just know that you are doing your best and your little girl is happy which is all that really matters! And try to enjoy those five beautiful days of uninterrupted sleep!

Katie said...

Mom guilt sure is awful. I've had it a lot lately since moving into the new house. Weeks 1-2 were great - unpacked big stuff, ignored little stuff. Now week 6 -I'm still not unpacked, the house feels cluttered and a mess, molars are making Lexie miserable, Abby wants to play with her friends not Micah, Micah just wants to play with them which all leads to lots of whines and crying and then mommy loses her temper and Beau is working hard for us but never home so I'm doing it all "alone" and it's making the mommy guilt for the raised voices, feeling like I want to run away, lack of playtime, too much tv.... I could go on.... It's awful. It helps to remember they are only little once and the house won't always be cluttered with toys and they won't remember you didn't clean the bathroom that week but will remember you were outside playing at the park with them. Then you just have regular guilt for the neglected house.... if only I could afford a house keeper.

thepaceofitall said...

Not a mom but mom guilt does not sound fun. I do think that if you're doing the best you can, then that's what counts. You know? Everyone deserves a break sometimes, some me time, whatever. And patience eventually wears out, no matter how saintly you are!

Daliene said...

The fact that you care enough to even have these emotions means you're a wonderful mom. So happy to have found your blog ;) SA blog buddies rock!

Mrs. W. said...

Lady, mom guilt gets us all. I agree with the commenter who said that if you're feeling it, you're a good mom. :) You're doing the best you can for V, always, but it's okay to sometimes be a little bit human and want to sleep or sit quietly or just do nothing for a moment. I totally get that. You're an awesome mama and V is lucky to have you - I know the guilt will always be there, but try to remind yourself of that from time to time!

Miranda said...

i think it is all moms struggle with whether you are working or not. I am a stay at home and I feel like crap because most the day I am trying to clean, or read, etc and not playing with my son. here i am, privileged to be a SAHM and i am not taking the time to play with him constantly. All i can think about is when my husband can get home and I can get my me time. I also hate that I raise my voice...that is the one thing that bothers me the most. however, it's life, it's parenting, it's motherhood. man does it suck but it is also pretty great (mostly) :) i hope this guilt subsides

undomestic mama said...

Two years later I still haven't gotten over my working-mom guilt. Every day is a struggle for me, but try to think of it this way: Violet's getting the chance to build a very special relationship with her grandma that she may not be able to do in the same way otherwise. And you know you're leaving her in good, loving hands. As for the being exhausted and all that, we all know you're a good mother, you just need to convince yourself of the same. Every day is a chance to start new and to me that's a really cool thought. Some days I parent better than others, but all of us first time mom's are just trying to figure everything out. We're all doing ok :)

Christina said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! I'm having the worst time with this lately too. Like crying my eyes out almost every night for the past two months. (It's funny because I'm feeling opposite. Like, maybe I shouldn't have been a stay at home mom because we didn't expose our kids to enough people and maybe some of Nolan's issues could have been worked on earlier). We love our kids so much and know that we are responsible for shaping them and feel like we can't make any mistakes. That's a lot of frickin' pressure!!! I wish I could tell you how to cope with these feelings, but I can't figure it out either. Just know that every mom (well, the good ones) feel this way too. You are absolutely not a fuck up in any way. And it's ok to make some time to be selfish. If you aren't happy and mentally healthy, your family won't be either.

Lauren H. Edmondson said...

I know exactly what you mean friend. Any time I choose a rare night off to spend by myself or with friends instead of with my family I feel guilty, but a mama needs a day to herself now and again! Whenever I travel for work or have late night meetings I hate that I am not home with my family but then I remember that by working I am providing food and diapers for sawyer and feel a flirts better.

Anonymous said...

I was just feeling guilty last night because we don't hang out with other kids. It's just Mackenzie and I all day. This summer I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone and take her to the park alone. Or the zoo. I want to try to take her to story time at the library too.
I also lose my temper and yell, or hold her while I cry because I'm frustrated. It's a learning process for us mommies and I don't think it'll ever get easier.
Hang in there and if you need to sit for a moment or hide and cry do it! Put her in her crib or a pack n play and go have a quick glass of wine. I've been known to have a glass while Mackenzie ate dinner. :o)
Enjoy your working break. :o)


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
site design by designer blogs