You know me, I'm usually all fluff on this blog but then there's days like today where I just need to talk. And I need to talk about Mom guilt. It is freaking REAL.
This "mom guilt" business is made especially worse when you're already the type of person that feels guilty so easily and when you always feels the need to explain. I am that person. I hate that person.
Now that I have V, I feel like every little mistake I make (and there are plenty) is completely ruining her and her life already. I know that's ridiculous but in that moment, it doesn't seem silly.
Being a working mom just adds to this guilt that I feel all the time. My MIL watches her Monday-Thursday all day and some days it feels like she is the one practically raising our child! How could I not feel guilty? I know this is just where our life is at for the moment (me working, Ronnie in school) but that doesn't make it suck any less. I don't have a job digging ditches or teaching a class full of wild kids but I work hard ALL DAY at what I do and by the end of the day, I am beat. And that's just when my day really begins! It's when I go home and am expected to be super awesome fun mom.
At least that's the expectation I've put on myself - it doesn't always happen that way.
Sometimes I get impatient, I whine, I just want a FREAKINGSECONDTOMYSELF, I cry, I raise my voice - all things I said I would never do as a mom. But I am freaking tired!!!! is usually my excuse when I've screwed up yet again, as if that makes it ok. It's not ok.
Yes, things have changed tremendously since she started crawling and then walking and just in general become a wild little maniac. She's no longer a little baby in my arms or rolling around on her play mat. Things have become just so much more and I am tired but that still doesn't make it ok. She's only this small for such a short time and I already feel like it's flown by so quickly.
To make things worse, I leave on a work trip next week from Monday-Friday. FIVE DAYS away from my child. FIVE DAYS where it's all on Ronnie (and his mom will help too, of course). FIVE DAYS where I don't have to take care of her and I get to sleep. I should at least be excited about that part but I feel nothing but guilt. This is my job and we so desperately need the money I earn on this trip but honestly? I could just curl up and sob about it.
All of that to say, I need to learn to just suck it up and be BETTER.
I need to breathe more, I need to focus less on myself and my exhaustion and more on her and the moment we're in, I need to remember that I'm not a fuck up as a mom (sorry, the F bomb was necessary), that I am giving it my best, that I work every day for US and I especially need to remember just how special this mother - daughter relationship is. I need to remember these things every day. I am the only mother she will ever have and I need to just be BETTER.
Fellow guilt-ridden moms - how do you deal??
