On a #2.

Ask any of my close friends and family and they'll tell you that YES, Jessica really want a second child; it just depends on the day you ask her. And probably on how much sleep she got the night before.

I've been going back and forth with the idea of a second child probably since Violet turned 1. But it was just me being me and stressing for no reason because I never wanted a second child within 1-2 years. And every time I would talk to Ronnie, he wasn't really on board anyway. He'd say stuff like "Do you really want those sleepless nights again?", "Don't you like all of our focus just on Violet?"... All valid feelings that I too was feeling, I was just getting wrapped up in the superficial reasons for having another baby. Getting to name him or her, shopping for them, how cute she'd be as a big sister, outings with our little family of 4...not really thinking about the reality and $$$ of it all.

Fast forward to the past few days when it hit me that Violet turns 3 in February. No matter how many times I've gone back and forth about wanting another one, I always knew one thing for sure - I wanted my babies to be 3-4 years apart. No more, no less. And considering it would take however long to make a baby (especially because of my PCOS history) + 9 months to bake him/her....we'd have to make our decision to get busy ASAP. So, cue the freak out.

Now that we're HERE at the point of deciding on a possible second baby, my mind's been racing with all the pros and cons of why we should and I just can't figure out my stance. It's all very emotional to me and while some people might call me dramatic or say I'm way overthinking it, I can't say I agree. Having a second baby - adding another HUMAN to this earth! - is a ridiculously huge decision and there's no going back once you go there. (Not that I'd ever want go back on it, but you know what I mean.)

To make matters more confusing to me, recently Ronnie has actually started to warm to the idea of another. Every time he sees Violet play with other kids or especially when he sees her playing alone, it breaks his heart and he says "Let's just do it, let's have another! She NEEDS a sibling.". But I know him and I know he's going through the superficial reasoning that I've often gone through. We see her loving and just cuddly, sweet personality and we know she would be an amazing big sister (and I'm tearing up just typing that)....But would I, would WE, make amazing parents to two children?? Or would she be just fine as an only child??

We're already stressed as it is, our schedules are stretched to the max and we're just now getting to the point where we're dreaming of taking family vacations in the next year, now that Violet is getting older. We also daydream of all the fun things we can do ALONE because now that Violet is at this fun, interactive age that it's easier on the grandparents to take her, they're actually taking her more often lately. So even with the hectiness of it all, we're in our groove and things are running smoothly. A year from now things may even be SMOOTHER, what with Ronnie having finally graduated and hopefully having found a good full time job by then. (He WILL have a great job by then - gotta put that good juju out there!)

That's all just a small part of it because what about MONEY. Everything is just so . freaking. expensive nowadays. Can we afford daycare AND preschool? What about those two new cars we were talking about getting next year? (that we NEED) What about staying put and being content in our 2br house - we'd NEED a bigger house sooner than later. We can say goodbye to any family vacations for a good while. And I can also say goodbye to the possibility of me ever working part-time hours like we'd talked about. It's just so overwhelming when I think about it and I'm afraid that's how our life would be with a new addition - OVERWHELMING. Are we ready for that? Do we want that?

Ok, all of that sounded so very selfish but it's honest, y'all. These are legitimate things we need to think about. And having said that, I want to add that we don't take our one amazing child for granted. I know there are many people who want even just one child but can't and that's completely unfair bullshit. And here I am talking the way I am when I already have my girl. But trust me, at the end of the day, I am the most thankful to just have been able to be a mother at all. I never thought it would happen (that damn PCOS) so our surprise baby will always be considered a miracle and a gift to us and we'd be perfectly content to stay the little threesome we are now. We are just at a crossroads now and I (we) need to be sure we make the right, best decision for our family's future and for her. It's a big one.

I know it's something within ourselves and within our family to figure out but if you have any helpful insight (either way), I'd love to hear it. Especially if you're also an easily stressed out, maybe even A.D.D. person like me. ha. I appreciate anyone who reads or even comments on this insane novel of mine. :)