On a #2.

Oct 20, 2014

Ask any of my close friends and family and they'll tell you that YES, Jessica really want a second child; it just depends on the day you ask her. And probably on how much sleep she got the night before.

I've been going back and forth with the idea of a second child probably since Violet turned 1. But it was just me being me and stressing for no reason because I never wanted a second child within 1-2 years. And every time I would talk to Ronnie, he wasn't really on board anyway. He'd say stuff like "Do you really want those sleepless nights again?", "Don't you like all of our focus just on Violet?"... All valid feelings that I too was feeling, I was just getting wrapped up in the superficial reasons for having another baby. Getting to name him or her, shopping for them, how cute she'd be as a big sister, outings with our little family of 4...not really thinking about the reality and $$$ of it all.

Fast forward to the past few days when it hit me that Violet turns 3 in February. No matter how many times I've gone back and forth about wanting another one, I always knew one thing for sure - I wanted my babies to be 3-4 years apart. No more, no less. And considering it would take however long to make a baby (especially because of my PCOS history) + 9 months to bake him/her....we'd have to make our decision to get busy ASAP. So, cue the freak out.

Now that we're HERE at the point of deciding on a possible second baby, my mind's been racing with all the pros and cons of why we should and I just can't figure out my stance. It's all very emotional to me and while some people might call me dramatic or say I'm way overthinking it, I can't say I agree. Having a second baby - adding another HUMAN to this earth! - is a ridiculously huge decision and there's no going back once you go there. (Not that I'd ever want go back on it, but you know what I mean.)

To make matters more confusing to me, recently Ronnie has actually started to warm to the idea of another. Every time he sees Violet play with other kids or especially when he sees her playing alone, it breaks his heart and he says "Let's just do it, let's have another! She NEEDS a sibling.". But I know him and I know he's going through the superficial reasoning that I've often gone through. We see her loving and just cuddly, sweet personality and we know she would be an amazing big sister (and I'm tearing up just typing that)....But would I, would WE, make amazing parents to two children?? Or would she be just fine as an only child??

We're already stressed as it is, our schedules are stretched to the max and we're just now getting to the point where we're dreaming of taking family vacations in the next year, now that Violet is getting older. We also daydream of all the fun things we can do ALONE because now that Violet is at this fun, interactive age that it's easier on the grandparents to take her, they're actually taking her more often lately. So even with the hectiness of it all, we're in our groove and things are running smoothly. A year from now things may even be SMOOTHER, what with Ronnie having finally graduated and hopefully having found a good full time job by then. (He WILL have a great job by then - gotta put that good juju out there!)

That's all just a small part of it because what about MONEY. Everything is just so . freaking. expensive nowadays. Can we afford daycare AND preschool? What about those two new cars we were talking about getting next year? (that we NEED) What about staying put and being content in our 2br house - we'd NEED a bigger house sooner than later. We can say goodbye to any family vacations for a good while. And I can also say goodbye to the possibility of me ever working part-time hours like we'd talked about. It's just so overwhelming when I think about it and I'm afraid that's how our life would be with a new addition - OVERWHELMING. Are we ready for that? Do we want that?

Ok, all of that sounded so very selfish but it's honest, y'all. These are legitimate things we need to think about. And having said that, I want to add that we don't take our one amazing child for granted. I know there are many people who want even just one child but can't and that's completely unfair bullshit. And here I am talking the way I am when I already have my girl. But trust me, at the end of the day, I am the most thankful to just have been able to be a mother at all. I never thought it would happen (that damn PCOS) so our surprise baby will always be considered a miracle and a gift to us and we'd be perfectly content to stay the little threesome we are now. We are just at a crossroads now and I (we) need to be sure we make the right, best decision for our family's future and for her. It's a big one.

I know it's something within ourselves and within our family to figure out but if you have any helpful insight (either way), I'd love to hear it. Especially if you're also an easily stressed out, maybe even A.D.D. person like me. ha. I appreciate anyone who reads or even comments on this insane novel of mine. :)


Meg O. said...

First of all, I know I am the worst commenter ever! Anyway, I can totally understand where you're coming from. I was really really nervous to add another baby, but so far so good. I mean, I haven't returned to work yet, so I may have different thoughts in a month. Haha! You know, I read somewhere recently "you'll always regret the baby you never had, not the baby you have." and that really struck a chord with me. It made me feel at peace more with the upcoming stress that is about to happen the rest of this school year. That we're going to be fine. You have to do what's best for your family at the end of the day, and don't let anyone tell you you're wrong for whatever decision you make!

Amanda M said...

As a fellow PCOS-er, just know that I got pregnant just 2 weeks after Drew and I decided to "see what happens", apparently it's common in PCOS patients to have a system jump start after having a baby. I also agree 110% with the previous poster that you'll never regret the baby you have. Yeah, kids are expensive, and exhausting, and overwhelming in every possible way, but would have changed anything with V? That's how you'll feel about a second one too. If you're feeling like you want that for your family, then you need to focus on what's going to make you happy and make your family feel complete in the long run- the rest will fall in place. Good luck!

Courtney said...

1) You are absolutely not selfish, so don't even think that!
2) It is so easy to get caught up in the superficial parts of having a baby. I mean, it is fun for a reason! Picking names, registering, having an excuse to eat whatever whenever ;)
3) I totally understand about the PCOS thing. I was shocked that we had David so quickly, but the idea of having more? I have no earthly clue whether or not my body is capable or not.

Honestly, there is never a good way to know how you feel. Even I flip flop every few days or so. What Phil and I came up with is this:
If you can't imagine not being pregnant again; If you can't bring yourself to give away all things baby (clothes and toys especially); If the thought of having another brings up more feelings of excitement than dread - that's how you know that you truly want the possibility of another. The timing is up to you, but once you figure out if you want it at all, then you can go from there :)

I hope that helps at least a little bit. No matter your decision, I support you friend!

Susan S. said...

Jessica, it's like I just read my own heart in your post. I feel/felt the same way. We were not planning a 2 for all of the reasons that you are talking about that are 100% not selfish, but are you looking out for your family and knowing your priorities. We want to send Nick to a private school and I want to stay at home and we want to move and be able to take Nick to Disney World and these are things that we really want for ourselves. How would a second baby change that? Not to mention the fact that I didn't even think I could have ONE baby- did we want to go through actually trying to have one?

Basically I want you to know that I understand your position and I know that no matter what decision you make, it will be the right one for you and your family. Because you and Ronnie are the ones who know you the best.

I gotta tell you too- I'm an only child and it was 100% awesome. I am well-adjusted and had a wonderful childhood and had a million cousins and friends and never felt alone or sad and never really wanted a sibling either. I put that out there because I think some people feel like only childhood must be lonely and sad. But for me, it wasn't. And I have no idea how I'm going to have more than one because I really have no frame of reference for that. Here's hoping I don't screw it up! :)


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